Sterling Lynch

Janice and the Pea Patch

Sun, 05 May 2013 17:01:07 -0400

Janice was a naughty girl.

Often, she would hide in her pea patch and not come home when her mother called. Her mother would call and call, but Janice would not come home because Janice loved to hear her mother call and call.

Oddawa, Ep. 1: The Rat

Sun, 21 Apr 2013 12:02:00 -0400

Nadine had always known her Fluevog boots were sturdy. She didn’t realize how sturdy, until Jasper hit the cobblestones of the Jeanne D’Arc courtyard like a sack of wet potatoes. She rarely got a clean knockout, with a single roundhouse kick.

Fluevogs: fashionable yet functional.

Read more.

Jen Capogreco gives a cold read of “Never Fall in Love...

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 13:31:30 -0400

Jen Capogreco gives a cold read of “Never Fall in Love with a Writer.”

Look for the play of the same name at the 2013 Ottawa Fringe.

Do you enjoy the spiral dive? Read more.

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 19:12:31 -0400

Do you enjoy the spiral dive?

The Ethicist, Ep. 4: Boomers.

Thu, 07 Feb 2013 21:51:02 -0500

The problem with Boomers isn’t that they’re Boomers. The problem is that they’re human — all too human.

Take Professor Johnson, for example.

Lindsay’s Terrible Secret: A Short Story

Mon, 28 Jan 2013 18:19:54 -0500

The most remarkable thing about Lindsay was that she was so very unremarkable.

She kept, however, a terrible secret.

She had been chosen. She knew not for what, by whom, or why. She knew only that she had been chosen.

Jeff reminded himself that the suicide rate is always highest at...

Thu, 27 Dec 2012 10:08:31 -0500

Jeff reminded himself that the suicide rate is always highest at Christmas.

It’s probably because they close the bars, he thought. Forcing broken people to sober up long enough to remember how alone they are probably isn’t the best approach for Christmas. It’s not fair either. Only the poor drunks can’t afford to stock up properly

Jeff was not poor. He was well stocked, and well drunk. He also wasn’t entirely sure why he was walking down by the river, if he was well stocked, but he suspected that the well drunk had something to do with it. Between now and his midnight toast, he realized, there was more than a bit of a gap in his memory. He and his two closest friends — myself and I — had a few shots each to mark the arrival of the big day.

Read more.

Wow. This trailer kind of sucks. :) tiefighters: Star Wars The...

Sat, 15 Dec 2012 14:52:33 -0500

Wow. This trailer kind of sucks. :)

tiefighters:

Star Wars The Empire Strikes Back Teaser

Fleeing the evil Galactic Empire, the rebels abandon their new base on Hoth. Princess Leia, Han Solo and the droids R2-D2 and C-3P0 escape in the damaged Millenium Falcon, but are later captured by Lord Darth Vader on Bespin. Skywalker, meanwhile, follows Ben Kenobi’s posthumous command and receives Jedi training by Yoda on Dagobah. Will Skywalker manage to rescue his friends from the dark lord?

In Theaters: May 21st, 1980

Cool concept. merryplz: andrewfishman: Blake Fall-Conroy,...

Sat, 15 Dec 2012 14:49:59 -0500

Cool concept.

merryplz:

andrewfishman:

Blake Fall-Conroy, “Minimum Wage Machine,” 2008-2010

This machine allows anyone to work for minimum wage for as long as they like. Turning the crank on the side releases one penny every 4.97 seconds, for a total of $7.25 per hour. This corresponds to minimum wage for a person in New York.

This piece is brilliant on multiple levels, particularly as social commentary. Without a doubt, most people who started operating the machine for fun would quickly grow disheartened and stop when realizing just how little they’re earning by turning this mindless crank. A person would then conceivably realize that this is what nearly two million people in the United States do every day…at much harder jobs than turning a crank. This turns the piece into a simple, yet effective argument for raising the minimum wage.

ah yes totally mentioning this in my paper

“Gregor, your problem is that, despite your outwards appearance...

Sat, 15 Dec 2012 14:23:27 -0500

“Gregor, your problem is that, despite your outwards appearance of being an optimist, you’re, in fact, a nihilist,” Sarah inexplicably says to me.

The major shortcoming of an affair with a grad student is that sometimes she thinks she’s people.

Once upon a time, a Tiger and a Rabbit fell in love. “Rabbit, I...

Sun, 09 Dec 2012 14:26:38 -0500

Once upon a time, a Tiger and a Rabbit fell in love.

“Rabbit, I love you so much,” said Tiger. “I want to eat you up whole, so you will always be a part of me.”

“Tiger, I love you so much,” said Rabbit. “ I want you to chase me forever, so I will always feel wanted by you.”

And so around and around they ran, day and night, much to their own frustration and much to the frustration of the other animals of the forest.

Very cool story telling. ellenkushner: sarahreesbrennan: Oh,...

Sun, 09 Dec 2012 14:21:31 -0500

Very cool story telling.

ellenkushner:

sarahreesbrennan:

Oh, this is so pretty, and so sad.

Not sad, I think - but yes desperately romantic! Makes me think of Kim Stanley Robinson’s THE YEARS OF RICE AND SALT, too.

NB:EXPLICIT SEXUAL CONTENT In a free and just society, for a...

Sat, 01 Dec 2012 12:53:13 -0500

NB:EXPLICIT SEXUAL CONTENT

In a free and just society, for a man, scale is the key to promiscuity.

Fortunately, for a journeyman lecturer such as myself, the wholesale commodification of the university education system provides exactly the scale I need to be promiscuous.

Miranda was a happy woman. She lived in the city and, when she...

Sun, 18 Nov 2012 15:23:13 -0500

Miranda was a happy woman.

She lived in the city and, when she wasn’t working at a job that she loved, she met her friends for coffee, dinner, or drinks. She had a handsome and faithful boyfriend. He lived by a beach and his house was a short ferry trip from the city. She visited him frequently and she visited him passionately.

Life, for Miranda, was as good as it gets.

So Miranda was annoyed, when the man in the white lab coat intruded into her life brandishing a clipboard.

Read more.

NB: EXPLICIT SEXUAL CONTENT “Don’t come inside me,” she says....

Mon, 12 Nov 2012 11:29:57 -0500

NB: EXPLICIT SEXUAL CONTENT

“Don’t come inside me,” she says. “Jeffery will know I was with someone else.”

No more liberating words have ever been breathlessly uttered by a woman bent over her husband’s desk with the penis of a much younger man thrusting in and out of her.

Let me explain.

“Never fall in love with a writer,” my Grandmother often said to...

Mon, 15 Oct 2012 18:18:09 -0400

“Never fall in love with a writer,” my Grandmother often said to me. “A gambler, a womanizer, even a drunk, fine, but never fall in love with a writer.”

I ignored her, of course.

It was the kind of night when he didn’t know if he should call...

Tue, 02 Oct 2012 19:55:00 -0400

It was the kind of night when he didn’t know if he should call an escort, cut himself, or jump off the balcony. Faced with a triple barreled longing for oblivion, John did the only thing he could do. He poured himself another Scotch.

Sharon was sure Tim had done it for love, but she was also sure...

Sat, 22 Sep 2012 13:36:44 -0400

Sharon was sure Tim had done it for love, but she was also sure that it was for a kind of love she did not understand.

“I’m sorry, Mrs. W_,” the crisply pressed Chief Researcher explained. “He signed a legal document. He can’t be removed from the machine. Ever.”

The machine seemed to blink in agreement.

“What’s it like in there?” she asked quietly. “What’s he experiencing?”

“Whatever he wants,” the Chief Researcher’s back stiffened with pride. “It’s designed to fulfill all his wishes, without him knowing he’s attached to a machine. It should be as real to him as this conversation is to you and me.”

“What is he experiencing,” she restated, “specifically.”

“That kind of information can’t ever be known,” he replied with authority. “We aggregate the experiences of all the test subjects. It’s impossible even for me to know what any particular test subject experiences.”

Sharon noticed a security guard in the corner of the room. He was playing solitaire the old fashioned way — with a deck of cards.

“How long will he live?” She placed her hand on the cool smooth machine.

“In theory, we could continue his life indefinitely,” said the Chief Researcher, warming to his subject, “nevertheless, the machine is designed to euthanize the test subject’s body, when he or she chooses to experience death.”

“People choose to experience death,” she asked, as she rubbed her wedding band. “People choose to die.”

“Yes, when a test subject is ready to die, the machine euthanizes the subject,” he patted the machine with an affection he was incapable of showing to humans. “In fact, one of the early and surprising discoveries of our project is the large number of people who accelerate the experience of living, so that they can reach death more quickly.”

“I don’t understand.”

“We’re not sure we fully understand either,” he picked up a tablet and consulted some of his data. “It’s as if they only want and need the memory of a long and happy life, but they don’t want to experience the length of life in terms of time. It’s one of the reasons we ran the recent recruitment in which we enlisted your husband. Too many of our subjects choose to experience very happy but very short lives.”

“Couldn’t you have forced him to talk to me — to someone — first,” she asked, looking the Chief Research in the eye for the first time.

“He was advised to consult his family and several psychologists, he refused, and he signed a legally binding document, Mrs. W_,” he said with a soft tone of satisfaction. “He was, I am sure you will agree, a rational and competent adult.”

A few days later, when Tim’s time-delayed email arrived, Sharon learned why he had attached himself to the machine.

The compensation for the experiment, he explained, would allow her to do whatever she wanted for the rest of her life. He was also sure he would experience loving her forever inside the machine. He suggested, if she wanted to, she could also participate in the experiment, give all the money to charity, and they could both experience being in love together forever. After all, we are to each other, he wrote, in the final and last analysis, only experience and the memory of experience.

Tim’s logic had always been impeccable, Sharon had always respected him for it, but she had never loved him because of it. Now, finally, she understood why.

Kara was a very sad girl. Whenever she was too happy, she burst...

Sun, 02 Sep 2012 10:41:00 -0400

Kara was a very sad girl. Whenever she was too happy, she burst into rainbows and confetti.

She ruined weddings.

She ruined birthday parties.

She even ruined quiet moments with books and hot chocolate.

She ruined every and any moment in which happiness could be found.

So she decided, once and for all, always to be sad. She liked to be happy, but she didn’t like to ruin happy moments either.

One day, Kara was sitting in the bushes in the deepest darkest corner of her least favorite park, when an old man sat on a bench near her.

Right away, Kara knew he was a nice old man, by the way he walked, the dishevelment of his cardigan, and the grubbiness of his slippers. He also made an agreeable sound, when he finished his struggle to sit.

He sat for a long while, looking out across the grass, which was a patchwork of sunlight and the shadows of trees.

He resettled himself, took a wrapped candy from his pocket, carefully unwrapped it, and gently placed the candy in his mouth. He then smoothed and folded the wrapper, before placing it in his pocket.

He sat for another long while, looking at his hands, one thumb rubbing tiny circles over the nail of the other.

Finally, the old man took out an old, dog eared photograph and, right away, Kara knew, by the way he held it, that it was a perfect picture of his beautiful and deceased wife.

The old man cradled the old photo in his palms. Love radiated from his eyes. Kara saw a smile turn at the corner of his old tired lips, even as a tear formed in one eye, and, despite her best efforts, Kara exploded into rainbows and confetti.

“My goodness, what just happened there?” said the old man, startled out of his reminiscences. When he saw the rainbows and confetti fluttering all around him, after a moment, he smiled and said, “Yes, I do have reason to be happy.”

Once Kara had collected herself, she stood sheepishly at the knee of the old man.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized. “It made me so happy to see you remember your wife with such fondness. I will be so happy, if I can cherish and be cherished like you just cherished.” She pinched herself hard to make sure she didn’t explode again.

“Please don’t apologize, sweet girl,” replied the old man, smiling from within an old nest of wrinkles. “I want to thank you. I’ve been coming here for months and, until this moment, I never saw how much happiness could and should be experienced in my memories of Trish and our life together. Truly, you’re a gift, child.”

From that day on, Kara never again forced herself to be sad and, whenever people complained that her happiness was too disruptive, she always replied, “You probably didn’t even realize that in this moment you could be happy.”

And you know what? She was always right.

April was a fool. “It’s because I had you on that day,” her...

Fri, 24 Aug 2012 16:37:15 -0400

April was a fool.

“It’s because I had you on that day,” her mother always said. “One second earlier or a day later and I would have had a perfectly normal child. Instead, I have a fool.”

April was happy to be a fool, despite the snarl that rolled through her mother’s lip, whenever her mother said the word, because it meant April was not like everyone else.

She was happy to be a fool, that is, until she met Derek at the rally.

Derek was no fool. He was tall, smart, and handsome. He radiated charisma like a fine art fluorescent tube.

“Are you a Russian prince or something,” she asked.

“No, of course not.” Derek looked up from his iPhone, smiling. “What a foolish thing to say.” He used the word with a smile, a laugh and a wink, but April could only see and hear the snarl of her mother’s lip.

They worked side by side for weeks on the campaign and, suddenly, all her foolish ways seemed awkward and obtuse. Her puns were stupid. Her laugh was garrish. Her clothing was a dog’s breakfast of colours and irregular layers. Her friends were stupid.

By the end of the campaign, she decided, once and for all, never to be a fool again.

Several weeks later, when Derek arrived at the fancy wine bar for April’s birthday party, she was pleased that he couldn’t easily recognize her in the crowd.

“I’ve been looking all over for you, April,” he said, when he finally recognized her. “Why are you hiding in the corner?”

“I’m not hiding,” she replied stiffly, resisting the urge to jump on him like an ill-trained Labrador.

“Is something wrong?” he asked. “You don’t seem yourself today.”

“I’m not different,” she retorted, resisting the urge to fidget in the unfamiliar clothing. “I’m more like myself today than ever before.”

“Really?”

“Yes, you know how it is with campaigns. Sometimes people aren’t really themselves. In the heat of the moment, you know,” she said, repeating the words almost as evenly and coolly as she had rehearsed them. “Why don’t you grab a glass of wine, I will join you at the bar in a minute.”

“Oh. Ok.”

On the way to the bar, Derek stopped, as if he might turn around. Instead, his radiance seemed to flicker, then, dim, and he turned towards the door.

At that moment, April’s cell phone rang out and La Cucaracha vibrated through her tiny purse. She had forgotten to change the ringtone and her mother was calling.

April then did the most foolish thing she has ever done in her life.

She ran after Derek, knocking over two waiters, spilling three glasses of red wine, and ruining, at least, one dress. She told him everything.

“April,” Derek replied, as his radiance grew bright once again, “why would I want someone like me? I have me already. What I want is you.”

She decided, once and for all, never again to see or hear the snarl that her mother’s lip had put into so many words and, from then on, she saw only the happiness Derek radiated whenever she was near him.

Exactly one year later, she accepted his proposal of marriage and he accepted her proposal for the wedding. They agreed to have the most foolish wedding anyone had ever seen.